


my head is filled with ruins

by wakemeup



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Background Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, F/F, Fix-It, Flowers, I just really like soft moments, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Minor Kara Danvers/James "Jimmy" Olsen, Minor Kara Danvers/Mon-El
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-23 08:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14328858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wakemeup/pseuds/wakemeup
Summary: “It’s 6:25.” Lena mumbles, after they’ve placed the flowers in her trunk, windows in the backseat cracked to provide the flowers air.“Huh?” Kara responds, unsure if Lena is mentioning the time to indicate how long they were in there.“Do you want to catch the sunrise?” Lena asks, unsure. Unsure if she should bring up Kara’s comment before, but hoping her question is enough.OrA study of Season 2 into Season 3, with moments where Kara and Lena discover each other in between the canon. Acknowledges the trauma both go through and their individual journeys.OrI just really needed to dive deep into these characters have them fall in love. Fix all the hetero.





	1. tell me what we built this for

When Lena Luthor comes into her life, Kara feels like she’s on the precipice of something unknown. She has just begun to heal over the loss of Astra, Mon-El’s pod had just landed, Cat had just offered her a promotion, and things with James had been confusing. She knew her life was changing, but it felt out of her control. As if she was a bystander in her own story. Kara had then spent those next few days with Clark, ‘investigating’ the crash of the Venture and subsequently, the innocence of Lena Luthor.

At their first meeting, when Lena had spoken her truth, “ _I’m just a woman trying to make a name for herself outside of her family,_ ” Kara, in hindsight realizes the following words, “ _you understand that_ ” are meant to be rhetorical. The blonde had responded, almost automatically, pulled in by the young Luthor’s earnest plea. From that moment on, Lena became a pull that Kara could not resist. She found the Luthor honest, despite Clark’s attempts to prove otherwise.

Later, after the shining publication by Clark of LutherCorp’s rebranding to LCorp, the young CEO with her suave smile and green eyes had cheekily responded to Kara’s comment that she was _not_ a reporter with a, “ _you could’ve fooled me._ ” It had given Kara the gentle confidence she needed to tell Cat Grant that she indeed wanted to be promoted to a reporter.

It was then that Kara took a dive, much like the first time she really flew, diving off a cliff in Midvale towards the calm beach water below. This dive, however, was much more deeply centered on her identity, who _Kara Danvers_ was when she wasn’t Supergirl. Kara Danvers, who is a reporter, who seeks the truth, who connects with others, and who speaks for those who cannot speak for themselves.

It’s with Lena, who is first her interviewee, then her friend, and suddenly her _best_ friend, that she gets to be _Kara Danvers: Reporter_ with.

As best friends, they have weekly lunches, sometimes canceled and postponed by CEO duties, or National City’s emergencies, but they somehow manage. Kara will often grab Chinese but stop at a _GreenLeaf_ for Lena. She doesn’t understand younger women’s affinity for Kale and Lena swears _“they’re power greens, Kara”_ , but she supposes, whatever makes her happy.

It’s at one of these lunches that Lena invites Kara over to her place for the first time. Really, Kara shouldn’t have been as surprised as she was, as Lena had been over to hers many times before, but the shock comes from the way Lena asks almost _shyly_ and how can Kara even think of saying no?

So she doesn’t. She says yes, and they’re meant to be meeting tonight. The blonde is brought out of her reverie by a text chiming on her phone. She swiftly crosses the room to her desk at Catco, settling into her chair and lifting the screen to her face.

_LL: 1500 Millenium Square after work? Bring an ID for the front desk, I’ll take care of dinner?_

Kara smiles and immediately responds with two thumbs up emojis as an affirmative.

The rest of the work day flies by in a blur, she has three leads she’s following for Snapper, one Supergirl emergency and she texts Alex when 5pm rolls around begging her sister to have J’onn cover anything below “alien invasion.” She wants to make sure this first time at Lena’s place is fun and uninterrupted, she wants time with her best friend, and in the back of her mind, she just _knows_ that this is a big step for Lena.

* * *

 

“Oh my God, no!” Lena’s in a fit, laughing as Kara gesticulates widely trying to explain that _yes_ it is important that 90s pop music be played to current teenagers _everywhere_. Lena feels light, as Kara sits on the other side of her leather sofa, still rambling on.

“They don’t write music like that anymore!” Kara throws her whole being behind this statement as if the whole world would crumble if Lena didn’t believe her. “All of the songs were bops! So fun and danceable! Uncomplicated.” The blonde pushes her glasses up her nose and points directly at Lena with a huff, as the CEO just continues to laugh, barely hiding it behind her hand as she reaches for her wine glass.

“And no matter what I do, I feel the pain With or without you,” Kara sings, finger still pointing at Lena. “See! NYSNC, so direct! Perfect song.” She smiles, feeling as though she’s won the argument.

Lena just smiles, takes a sip of her wine, “You’re not wrong.”

Kara beams, “One Danvers, Zero Luthor.”

“If this is going to be a competition, you won’t like it.” Kara huffs in feigned annoyance. She stands up from her seat and hobbles over to Lena’s open kitchen, picks at the potstickers that Lena had delivered. She picks one up and throws it in her mouth before spinning around and shrugging at Lena.

“And anyway, I think every generation feels that way. Wants for the nostalgia they grew up with. NYSNC, Britney, they got us through our stupid loves, our first loves.” Kara nods, in agreement with the Luthor.

What Lena doesn’t know is, they were the first Earth songs Kara heard. She learned English in her bedroom in Midvale beside Alex. Feeling the beat of the music, the sadness of those songs and sang along with a foreign tongue. She wants Lena to know these things.

They had watched one of those, “Where They Are Now: 90s Pop” Edition for nearly two hours before Lena had just mumbled that _“who cares anyway_?” and Kara began her argument that, “ _everyone_ _should care, Lena!_ ”

She takes in the large Penthouse apartment, open floor plan, the exposed brick, and the light grey walls. Lena watches intently as Kara absorbs her space, nervous for any judgment.

Kara’s eyes stumble over the bookshelves that separate Lena’s living room from her bedroom, almost skipping over to run her fingers along the spines of them. _The Strange Theory of Light and Matter, A Brief History of Time, The Universe in a Nutshell, In Search of Schrödinger's Cat: Quantum Physics and Reality, Robotics, Collapse, The Sixth Extinction_ , her fingers trail onwards.

“I bought most of those in college, couldn’t part with them when I left.” Lena shrugs as if trying to separate herself from the idea that she is sentimental. But Kara knows as she reads over the titles that Lena, in her home and her own space, very much in contrast with the clinical cleanliness that is her office at LCorp, is indeed sentimental.

“What was college like?” Kara asks, suddenly imaging a younger Lena, a Lena from just five or six years ago. Kara wonders what instances in the woman’s life brought her here to this moment.

Lena runs her fingers over the cushion on her lap, tracing the seam before biting her lip and tucking her feet underneath her comfortably. “It was normal. I got into MIT, Stanford, Oxford, but I ultimately chose MIT. I wanted to explore every aspect of science. I wanted to study physics and engineering. Figure out how to help people.”

Kara’s turned herself around, leaning against the bookshelf. She gestures for Lena to continue.

“I was a scientist, in the R&D department of LutherCorp before I became CEO.” Kara nods, having already known that due to her research on Lena for the articles she’s written for CatCo.

“Right, of course, you know that.” Lena laughs, “I was on a robotics team at MIT. In boarding school, I had dabbled, got myself into a bit of trouble.” There’s a twinkle in her eye as she speaks.

“I was curious. Lionel was always encouraging of that. I could be curious, search for answers and ask questions. I think that’s why I was sent to school as a child anyways. Lionel wanted me to find answers, but Lillian couldn’t stand it. She hated when I would run around Lex, asking questions all day long. I think she saw me as a distraction to him. When he left for college I was sent to school.” Lena shrugs pushes the memory back down, tries not to allow the emotions that usually follow.

“Anyways, I loved boarding school, but I was excited for college because I wanted to be able to push the envelope, not just learn theory. I wanted to experiment, to build better prosthetics for amputees, or find a way to alleviate climate change.” Kara leaps over the back of the sofa, settles back into her seat across from Lena and smiles, encouragingly.

“I didn’t get terribly close to anyone, the Luthor name was a curse even then, before...” she trails off.

“I spent a lot of my time reading and reading,” she points back at the bookshelves.  “I ended up graduating in three years - loved Cambridge and Boston and then I went to some labs outside of LuthorCorp. I met Jack then.” A sad smile appears on her face then. Kara doesn’t push on who Jack is. “What about you?”

Kara placed her elbow on the back of the sofa, her fist under her chin in thinking pose. “I went to National City University. I majored in English, with a minor in women studies.” Kara doesn’t say much more, doesn’t know what to say, really. Her time in school was set to be mundane, to be average. She could never excel. “But your robot club sounds much more fun than my stories!” Kara continues, poking at Lena’s leg. Easing the tension she’s certain they both feel.

“Oh no, Miss Danvers, you will not be getting any scandalous stories out of me.” Lena winks at Kara and laughs as the blonde blushes. She ignores the way Lena’s heart speeds up.

“But Lena! Best friends get access to _everything_ don’t they?!” Kara shouts out, delighted when Lena throws her head back in a laugh.

“I’m not sure, but I’ve become rather good at contracts. We could draw one up that says, “Kara Danvers is to have zero information on Lena Luthor prior to her time in National City.” And Kara glares in mock anger at Lena’s suggestion, but it only further encourages the raven-haired woman’s laughs.

The thing is, Kara wants to know everything. She wants to know every piece of Lena Luthor, to read her like a book. Beyond that, most terrifyingly, she wants Lena to know everything.

* * *

 

Everything goes to shit.

Lena’s caught in the crossfire that is CADMUS and the Medusa virus. She does her damn best, the only way she knows how to, to rely on herself, her own intelligence, her own brain.

Supergirl comes to her office in a flurry, after Kara Danvers, her best friend, one of the only people she trusts, does a ‘fluff’ piece on Mother’s of powerful women.

Lena understands now that Supergirl was right, and that Kara was likely investigating for National City’s hero. This understanding that she has, for all actions taken during these past few days, doesn’t negate or invalidate the feeling of hopelessness she feels.

Hopeless because it’s another reason her last name is tainted, a reason for no one to trust her. The young CEO had known that her only course of action was to trust herself, take the isotopes, render the virus inert. If she hadn’t Cadmus and Lillian would’ve found a way to them regardless. She had to set it off, had to play a role. She had to remove the possibility of the virus ever being in play in the future.

Her justification, right in the end, doesn’t erase the look on Supergirl’s face when Lena launched the virus. It’s too much. She feels too much, too much emotion, too much guilt.

She feels like she loses another family member that day. Lillian never acted like her mother, never treated her like a daughter, but she was ‘family’ and the last familial tie that Lena could hold onto. With Lionel gone and Lex gone mad, she had only wanted an amicable relationship with Lillian. She had set out to make LCorp inherently good, inherently just, to keep her mother at arms length, but to make something _new_ of herself in National City.

This is grief.

A sob releases itself from her throat as it sinks in. Nothing is new, she is still a Luthor, she is surrounded by darkness, and, as she sinks into her mattress, one last thought settles in her mind as she closes her eyes and wills the tears to stop, the thinking to still.

She is alone.

* * *

 

Kara doesn’t come by her office for weeks. Lena keeps her news alerts on for CatCo. Has since the younger reporter stepped foot into her office that second time.

Kara texts her, Lena assumes in her quiet moments. She sends short messages, little blurbs throughout the weeks, but she doesn’t offer to stop by, doesn’t reach out for lunch, doesn’t invite her over for their usual movie nights.

She knows that Kara is busy, reporting on the Alien Fighting Ring and helping the NCP with their investigations. She knows that the Guardian is probably the center of news right now, imagines the bullpen alive with energy and Kara chasing down as many leads as she can.

It doesn’t mask the hurt though. She uses that energy, the disappointed feeling that settles in her chest, the abandonment issues she swore she was over when she did therapy back in college, she pushes them into her testimony against her mother.

It’s painful, so raw, and it leaves her feeling exposed. It leaves her feeling much like she did after she testified against Lex. Lena desperately wishes she could crawl out of her own skin, settle into a new one, run away for a little while.

She’s been CEO for a little over a year now, clawing her way into the good graces of the board, fending off misogynistic businessmen, renaming LCorp, but she knows now, more than she did when Lex was sent away, that she will be paying for the sins of her mother and brother for decades to come.

She’s shaken from her thoughts as Jess walks in with Kara behind her, donuts in hand. Kara says she’s here as a friend, and Lena allows the moment to wash over her.

It’s Kara’s advice that pushes her to go see her mother, to try and close a door and receive closure. It’s Kara she trusts.


	2. on my way to somethin' more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sunrise and some flowers.

Kara always has too much on her plate. She deals with Roulette, who escapes anyways, Mon-El who wants to become a Superhero too, Alex and Maggie.

She texts Lena, watches her trial, and tries to ensure that the young CEO understands that she isn’t _gone_.

And Mon-El, the Daxamite who wants to please her, to do good, to be her partner in protecting National City, is training with her. Kara easily falls into the comfort that he provides. He feels like _home_ , he has memories of Daxam, memories of Rao, he pours them onto her and she finds herself drowning in it.

When she was twelve and had just landed on Earth, she spent the first three hundred and sixty-five days wishing for Kal-El to come back. She wishes for him to speak Kryptonian with her, wishes for him to pray to Rao alongside her. She wishes for her mother to greet her in her dreams, wishes to look out from her bedroom and see all of Argo city.

Instead, she assimilates. Instead, she buries those memories deep inside her, only thinking them as she lays out under the stars, and never out loud. With Mon-El, she feels like she can say it, without pity, without guilt.

He can share the burden of National City’s protection, he can share the memories of Rao with her.

This shatters when he protects her instead of the civilians. She realizes that he’s in it for her approval, seeking it out like a moth to a flame. She realizes that this is how he assimilates. Not with music, or watching reality television. Not with high school, or college, or a job. Mon-El seeks her approval and tries to do what she needs, attempts to find his place on this Earth beside her.

She can’t do it.

Kara pushes him away, urging him to do what makes him happy, not what she needs. He refuses and she puts distance between them.

Her life is constantly at two extremes: Supergirl, the representation of a protective and just alien, and Kara Danvers, sweet, clumsy, kind, and vulnerable. She _wants_ for something else, to be hard, to be visible. She  _wants_ for complexity that people, humans would accept. A refugee grown up and assimilated in a place, _not_ her home, and feeling, even in the fortress of solitude, as if she cannot be home in Krypton any longer. She lives in a world in between. Mon-El only solidifies this idea.

Reinforces that she doesn’t have a _home_.

Then Lena is arrested, kidnapped, and she fights like hell against Alex, Winn, and James. Fights like hell to bring Lena back.

She’s angry, angry at her constant need to protect and defend others. Angry at Alex for being blinded by ignorance. Angry at Winn, whose own father was the Toymaker, killer, for judging Lena. Angry at James, who hangs onto the need to protect Kara, who can’t see her as the _Girl of Steel_ , and only as fragile and overly trusting Kara Danvers.

She’s angry that Lillian takes Lena, makes National City believe that Lena is guilty _again_ , that Kara has to don her Supergirl persona to protect Lena and lie to her again. Angry that she can’t protect Lena always, can’t protect Lena from the things that haunt her.

When she goes to Lena’s office that night, to thank her for her office overflowing with flowers, plumerias, something shifts in her. Lena says with such conviction that _“Kara Danvers, you are my hero_.”

And Kara knows she has to tell Lena the truth.

* * *

 

Their regular weekly lunches continue, with movie nights on the weekends, an excuse for Kara to ensure that Lena does not go into LCorp on a Saturday to do paperwork.

Lena is feeling like she has a grasp on herself again, with Kara there for her in her weak moments, movies and handfuls of popcorn at a time. She sees her therapist again, in between her meetings at LCorp. She finds coping mechanisms for anxiety that stems so deeply from the presence of Lillian Luthor in her life. She holds pieces of herself together.

It’s late, her clock reads 3:01 AM back to her. Therapy may be helping, but insomnia is difficult. Her brain rarely truly turns off, thinking of tens of things at a time.

She scrolls through her phone, checking the news, playing Monument Valley for the nth time, and still, it reads 3:37 AM.

She’s on instagram, her guilty pleasure, a private account, separate from her official one for LCorp, and goes through explorer, careful to not like anything, but happy to have mindless visuals in front of her.

Her thumb pauses over a picture of some beautiful Dahlias and Marigolds. An idea springs into her head. Before she can second guess herself she opens up her texts, messaging “Any chance you’re up and want to do something spontaneous with me?”

She sends it without looking at the time, knowing full well it’s an ungodly hour.

Surprisingly, she gets a quick response. The vibration of her phone and preview of the message brings a smile to her face. The response is a short, “Always” and a blue heart emoji. Lena responds to, “Dress warm! Be there in 25 mins.”

Lena pulls on some blue jeans, her ‘mom jeans’ as Jess likes to call them, with ripped patches and ends folded up a little above her ankles. She throws on a soft sweater from MIT, throws her hair into a ponytail and puts her contacts in. Throwing a few reusable bags into the backseat of her Tesla, she sets her navigation for Kara’s apartment across the city, smile still on her face.

* * *

 

Kara steps out onto the street, just changing from her Supergirl outfit and throwing on a flannel with a zip-up hoodie over it, black jeans on her legs to keep her warm.

She had just gotten back from her usual patrol of National City, some small crimes happening near the harbor, but nothing terribly difficult. She thanks Rao for easy nights like these. Getting Lena’s text is a surprise, but one Kara welcomes.

The blonde hears Lena’s red Tesla before the CEO is within human distance, but Lena pulls up shortly after, speeding a bit. The passenger window rolls down and Lena smiles a sleepy smile at Kara, a simple hello slipping from her lips.

Kara responds in kind, opening the door and sliding into the car's interior. Of course, Lena would have a Tesla.

“Where are we off to?” Kara asks, a bit of excitement pushing up her throat.

“Uh-uh.” Lena shakes her head, amused at the enthusiasm Kara can manage at nearly 4:30 in the morning. Lena’s clearly enjoying the secrecy of this spontaneous adventure.

Kara rolls her eyes, “Sun rises at 6:48 this morning.”

Lena looks over at Kara as she speeds them along to their destination. “Why do you even know that?” Lena inquires.

“I like to watch it sometimes.” The superhero shrugs, it’s not a lie. “Sometimes, it paints the sky a pinkish red, it feels like home.” It slips out of her mouth without permission. She’ll blame the early hour later, when she thinks of _why_ she would even give that away. The driver doesn’t say anything in response, just nodding as she turns up the radio a bit to give them both a moment of peace in the morning.

They pull up to a large looking warehouse not twenty minutes later, the lack of traffic in the early morning a blessing to them both. They’re on the outskirts of National City.

“What is this?” Kara resists the urge to pull her glasses down and x-ray vision the whole place.

“Floral For All.” Lena smirks as she points at the sign above two rather large industrial doors.

“Obviously, Lena.” Kara rolls her eyes again.

“It’s a flower exchange, like a large flower market. It opens early every day because florist need to come and grab their flowers before the start of the day.” Lena says, as if that explains everything. She locks the car doors before starting to walk into the building, Lena has to look back and nod her head towards the building before Kara realizes she’s just standing there.

The blue-eyed girl rushes forward, _human speed,_  as they enter the building and Kara’s senses are hit with so much stimulation she nearly keels over.

She can smell all the summer flowers, the plants, the dirt that holds their roots. She sees so many people buzzing around, large flat carts pulling plants and flowers and pots through aisles.

“I didn’t tell you this when you asked about college, but I used to help arrange florals and sometimes do weddings when I was a freshman,” Lena admits.

“That’s incredible, how?” Kara responds, her senses already coming back to baseline as she takes it all in.

“A roommate had an aunt who did larger events with florals, who sometimes needed help. I never did it for the money, but she’d always feed us afterward and I got to see these beautiful venues and make boutonnieres and it felt different than building robots.”

“So now you come here?” Kara inquires. She begins walking through the large aisles, stopping to inspect one particular stand that has peonies.

“I just really liked this part of it, going to see the flower exchanges in Boston, so when I moved back to Metropolis I did the same thing and then, now here I guess.” Lena touches a bright pink one, “romance, prosperity, good fortune, a happy marriage, riches, honor, and compassion — also sometimes, bashfulness.” Kara realizes Lena is talking about the Peonies now.

“This is really incredible, Lena.” The green-eyed woman stares at Kara as she takes it all in, looks up at the incredibly high warehouse ceiling and breathes in the smell, pollen and all.

“I haven’t come in some time, and I couldn’t sleep so I just thought, why not?”

Kara nods, she’s glad. “Why couldn’t you sleep?”

Lena glances at Kara, continuing to walk them along more flowers, taller plants, “The usual.” A pause, “What about you?”

Kara stops them, looks at rows and rows of orchids, an older woman smiling at her as she looks carefully at a purple one. Kara contemplates her answer her. A few weeks ago she wanted to tell Lena all of it, feeling the itch to remove the barriers between them.

“The usual.” She replies instead, smiling at Lena, who rolls her eyes.

“That’s a fair response.”

Sometime later, they’re walking out with about a dozen different flowers and Lena promises Kara that she’ll make her a bouquet out of it, one for Kara to take home herself. The blonde blushes and fidgets at that, willing herself not to beam at the thought of Lena Luthor making her a bouquet. It’s not an unwelcome feeling.

“It’s 6:25.” Lena mumbles, after they’ve placed the flowers in her trunk, windows in the backseat cracked to provide the flowers air.

“Huh?” Kara responds, unsure if Lena is mentioning the time to indicate how long they were in there.

“Do you want to catch the sunrise?” Lena asks, unsure. Unsure if she should bring up Kara’s comment before, but hoping her question is enough.

Kara just blinks.

There’s a long moment of silence.

“Yes.”

And Lena’s off, driving them along the outside of National City, using her GPS to navigate them towards the harbor. Five minutes or so later, a few speeding laws probably broken, Lena parks them on the very edge of a pier, promising Kara that cars are allowed to do this, but Kara’s not convinced.

Lena parks and unlocks the doors. She moves to the hood of her car, Kara following her lead.

They sit against the hood of the car, moments passing them by and the scene unfolds before them, an early summer day beginning over the water.

It’s one of those sunrises, the one that Kara mentions earlier, all pink and red and wispy clouds in the sky against it. Kara leans back against her elbows, soaking in the sun's heat, her body humming as it recharges from the lack of sleep, the minor fights she had earlier in the night. She can feel the younger woman’s presence against her side, their thighs touching and the metal of the car beneath them.

She feels the breeze, brushing against her cheek, she closes her eyes.

“Kara?” Her eyes blink open a moment later, Lena’s concerned green eyes boring into her.

“Hmm?”

Lena reaches forward, thumb brushing against Kara’s cheek, and Kara reaches up to grasp her fingers by instinct, Lena doesn’t pull away.

It’s then that Kara feels the wetness too. Lena’s fingers had swiped the tear.

“I’m so sorry,” the blonde responds, embarrassment blushing onto her cheeks. She doesn’t feel sad. She doesn’t know where the tear came from.

“No, don’t be. Are you alright?”

“I...” Kara wants to say, I miss Rao, the creator. I miss Argo city. I miss my family. “I miss home,” she says instead.

“What was it like?” Kara knows Lena’s referring to Midvale, but she says anyway, “Sunny, warm, happy.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Lena responds softly, moving her hand to grasp Kara’s placing their intertwined fingers on her thigh as the summer sun beats down on them, warming them from their cores.

Kara doesn’t know what it is; if it’s the soft resignation in Lena’s voice, her quiet acceptance of Kara’s emotions, their unspoken bond, but it compels her. Reminds her that a few weeks ago she had told herself, that if Kara Danvers was Lena’s hero, Lena deserved all to know all of Kara Danvers, to know Kara Zor-El.

“It was called Rao, in my home.”

A beat.

Lena’s heart quickens, Kara tries not to react, tries not to squeeze Lena’s fingers, or adjust her position to peer over at the younger woman.

“The sun, it was called Rao. It was red, it casted itself over Krypton every morning.” Lena’s fingers tighten around Kara’s, it urges her to continue, needing to fill the silent gaps that she fears are Lena’s unacceptance, Lena’s disappointment.

“I lived in Argo City, the capital. I would run through the markets in the morning, my aunt Astra following up and sometimes when I was really good, I’d get to stay up late and name the stars with my father, Zor-El.” She stops as she feels more tears streaking down her face, unable to control how they pour out. She’s not sobbing, she’s not shaking.

“My name is Kara Zor-El. Daughter of Zor-El and Alura In-Ze.” Lena’s head finally moves away from staring at the sun ahead of them, above the calm waters. She looks directly at the profile of her best friend’s face, words sinking heavily into her.

Her head is full of foreign things. Full of words that Kara is giving her, unable to digest them. She counts her breathing, tries to slow her heartbeat, in four seconds, out seven seconds.

“Lena...” Kara asks, lilt of her voice so soft Lena almost misses it.

They’re both pulled out of their stupor by Kara’s phone going off. She lets go of Lena’s hand and jumps off the hood of the car to rush to the passenger side, answering it quickly. Lena looks on, unsure if she’s supposed to do anything.

“Okay, I’ll be right there.” Kara hangs up, looks apologetically at Lena. “I’m sorry, I have to go. There’s a situation.” She shakes her phone in the air as if Lena will automatically understand, but she doesn’t have time to explain further. She just needs to get to J’onn.

Lena, who for all intents and purposes is a genius, her brain doesn’t automatically put the word Krypton and Rao with Superman and Supergirl. But Kara looks around, and speeds off the pier and into the sky, shooting southward, and Lena is left feeling like an idiot.

Kara Danvers, Kara Zor-El, and Supergirl. One person.

Kara only thinks about the bouquet she won’t get to watch Lena make.

* * *

J’onn explains that Alex has been suspended and Kara stumbles through the _whys_ and _hows_ and feels her heat vision charging up as she thinks of the wreckage Cadmus has left behind.

Jeremiah Danvers, the one man other than Kal-El that Kara implicitly trusts, and somehow she’s caught between Cadmus, Maggie and Alex, and her loyalty to Earth. She wants to stand by her sister, to have faith in her like she wishes Alex had had in Lena.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how Kara feels because Alex is torn to shreds. Her father’s loyalty first with Cadmus, and Alex’s need to see Jeremiah’s good. Kara is wrapped up in it, forgets that Lena’s reached out to her to go to the fermentation bar during her lunch. And Lena, despite everything that’s happened recently, and the fact that they _haven’t_ talked about Kara’s other identity is still gentle and understanding with Kara.

When the reporter explains that Snapper has restricted her from publishing the story, it’s Lena who asks what _mother_ has done now. Kara inherently refuses to acknowledge the familial tie Lena implicitly places there. Kara knows why Lena does that, understands that to Lena it’s a reminder that she is _not_ good, that her family is _bad_ , but Kara responds instead with _“Cadmus stole the alien registry...”_ acknowledging the organization and not just the older Luthor’s role in it.

It’s Lena who suggests that Kara do good on her own, report as a citizen, and it’s that idea that spurs Kara onwards, through the day.

She almost loses Alex, on a horrendously large ship bound for light speed and into another galaxy. She almost loses the only sister she has, and it wrecks her.

She leaves Alex at the DEO with Maggie, know that they need time to be together, time to remember their fragility, their bonds. She knows and understands that it’s moments like these that make love so important.

The Girl of Steel flies out of the DEO balcony before she can begin to feel herself cracking in front of everyone. She’s on her way to Lena’s without thinking.


	3. you’re that one I can’t ignore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Through 2x15 Exodus. Kara copes with almost losing Alex and talks to Lena about being Supergirl.

For so long the Danver’s had instilled an urgency and restless in Kara to be human. At all costs, Kara was to be human, to feel humility, to restrain her instincts, to tamper her anger.

Kara doesn’t realize how much that need to be human, that forcefulness that aided her survival throughout her time in Midvale and at NCU, that her chase for normalcy, humanity, for Mon-El, for James, for _love_ was also affected by it. She needed to be normal in Midvale. She needed to be normal in every aspect of her life because anything extraordinary, her intelligence, her powers, would be symptomatic of her being alien. Of her being Kryptonian.

These thoughts flood her brain as she flies away from the DEO, after leaving Alex with Maggie, that her idea of _love_ the love that sinks into your gut, your heart, that makes you excited and anxious, that lights fires in people, in humans, is what she feels when she’s near Lena.

It’s what she felt as the sun rose over the horizon and she could smell the fresh flowers in Lena’s trunk.

It’s what she felt that night, months ago, listening to Lena talk of school, of her affinity for science. It’s what Kara felt as she held back words about her transition to human life. Her chest felt like bursting.

Her brain had been hardwired to resist the extraordinary, to resist her desires, to fly, to speed through the streets, to use her intelligence, that she had rewired it to ignore her emotions.

Loving Lena would be an extraordinary feat, not because it was difficult, but because it would allow Kara to be _herself._

She breaks the sound barrier rushing to Lena’s.

* * *

 

The blonde superhero steps gingerly onto Lena’s balcony and taps lightly against the glass door. She can hear Lena’s heartbeat, steady, jumping only a little in surprise at the sound.

Lena opens the door, shoving it to the left for Kara to step through.

“Hi.” Kara offers, almost apologetically as she realizes the time.

Lena responds with a small wave. It’s awkward, but it makes Kara laugh, despite the seriousness of her thoughts and the day.

“I’m sorry, I should’ve texted or called.”

“It’s quite alright, I wasn’t sleeping anyway.” Lena shrugs, remembering that the last time this happened it was her who was spontaneous.

“Are you okay?”

The blonde sighs, deeply, and she can feel the tension in her body.

“No.”

“Supergirl stuff?” Lena gestures at her outfit.

“Alex...” her voice betrays her and cracks. She stopped a goddamn flying spacecraft. Lena rushes over and grabs hold of Kara’s hand, gentle and warm she tugs Kara over to her kitchen. Filling a glass of water she hands it to Kara, but keeps close in proximity.

“Cadmus was going to send those aliens into space,” she breathes, drinks a sip of the water that Lena provided, “Alex was on it, trying to help stop it. She was on it and I almost lost her. I almost lost her to another galaxy.” Lena, without prompt hugs Kara close.

She focuses on the _thump, thump, thump_ of Lena’s heart against her chest. She focuses on the breathing that Lena is doing, breathing in for four seconds, out for seven, mimicking her.

“I’m sorry, I know we need to talk. I know I owe you explanations.” Kara whispers, knowing that Lena’s ear is right by her. That Lena will hear her.

Lena can only pull back slightly, bringing her face back in front of Kara’s. “I understand. I think I do. It’s not my secret.”

Kara nods. She wants to say more, to say it had nothing to do with Cadmus, nothing to do with her last name, nothing to do with anything more than how Kara was conditioned, how she was told to never tell anyone.

But the words escape her, her brain tired, too many realizations and too many emotions clouding her thoughts to really articulate anything worth saying.

Lena looks at her face, searching, green eyes intense in their focus. Kara can only blink tiredly.

Something flickers in Lena’s eyes and she gently leans in, tilting her head and lays her lips softly on Kara’s temple, only lingering for a moment.

It’s new, this affection, but Lena doesn’t resist her actions. Doesn’t resist what feels right in this moment. They’re both tired and she’s worried about Kara’s ability to even stand upright right now.

Kara allows her head to rest on Lena’s shoulder, hugging the Luthor close.

“How do you manage all of it?” Lena whispers it, holding the moment together. She knows now that Kara can hear her, can probably hear her rapid heartbeat.

“What do you mean?” Kara mumbles into her shoulder.

Lena steps back, hands shifting to grab onto Kara’s hips, distance between them. She looks at Kara with furrowed eyebrows before gesticulating wildly.

Kara’s concentration breaks at that because Lena does _not_ do that. She is poised and precise. Kara feels like this is what Lena sees when Kara can’t remember the English word for certain feelings, things.

Lena breathes out a sigh, annoyed at herself for not being more articulate. “All of it, the Supergirl stuff, CatCo, your family, your friends, _me_.” The last word is so heavy and Kara’s hands ball into a fist.

“God, sorry no. Not me, I just mean all of it.” Lena says, taking in Kara’s body language. She didn’t mean to make this about her.

“No, no!” Kara responds, a bit too loud. “Ugh.” She runs her hand through her hair, annoyance with herself growing. She can’t communicate right now, but she _needs_ to. Needs to cross the gap between her and Lena. Needs to express her frustration, her sorrow, her regret.

“Sorry, can we just...” Kara trails off, unsure what it would do if she asked for some time, some space. Afterall, she was the one who had flown here without knowing what to say, only needing Lena near her.

“Tomorrow, maybe?” Lena finishes, after a moment. And of course Lena just _knows_ what Kara needs. Always putting others first, maybe not always for the best.

“Yeah. Yes. Tomorrow can we continue this? I want to...to answer everything, but today has been a lot.” Kara closes her eyes, willing back the sudden onslaught of tears.

“I’ll be here.” Lena replies easily, reaching forward and squeezing Kara’s forearm.

Kara nods and walks towards Lena’s balcony. She can hear the other woman’s heartbeat, fast and stuttering. She wills herself to leave without looking back. Wills herself to make it home before the tears escape.

* * *

 

Lena wakes to a firm knocking on her door. Looking over at her clock she groans knowing she’s only gotten a few hours of sleep. She’d spent most of the night tossing and turning, trying to capture her feelings into words she could convey to Kara.

The knocking persists until Lena is up and throwing her front door open, hair still a mess from the sleep.

She’s only slightly surprised that it’s the blonde at her door, a box of donuts and two coffees balancing precariously on top. She reaches to grab the two cups before Kara can drop them.

“I am apparently really bad at texting ahead, but donuts?” Kara offers in lieu of a greeting.

Lena just nods, taking the coffee she assumes is hers and drinking it hungrily. She didn’t have time to mentally prepare, last nights thoughts and preparations have gone with her morning wake up call.

“I couldn’t sleep anyways and I just really wanted to get back here and talk to you.” Kara grabs a donut, shoving half of a chocolate sprinkle one into her mouth and looking at the box intently, assumingly as a distraction.

The green-eyed woman grabs a cruller and rips off a piece, throwing a bit into her mouth before washing it down with more coffee - thank _god_ Kara knows her order. She hums satisfyingly before making her way to the balcony, gesturing Kara to follow.

The cool summer air settles on their skin, the day too early for sticky heat.

“How are you feeling?” It’s the first words Lena says this morning, and she’s grateful she was too tired to worry about her morning breath before drinking the coffee.

“I’m okay, but I really wanted to ask how you were feeling...how you’re doing after I told you about me and all that stuff about Krypton?” Kara doesn’t waste time, doesn’t bother beating around the bush. She pushed thoughts around in her head all night, thinking about Lena and Alex and her time on Earth.

Lena thinks about it, those weeks ago, when she felt her own heart leap into her throat as Kara confessed that Krypton was home.

“I think...” Lena sighs, getting up and running into her bedroom to grab her glasses off her nightstand. She slips them on before coming back to the balcony. She wants to be present for this conversation, wants to see every feature of Kara’s face, every reaction and thought played out. Kara’s never been good at hiding how she feels.

Settling back against the balcony railing she continues, “I think it would have been different if you told me out of necessity.” Kara’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “If you had told me because you _had_ to, not because of the moment, I think I would’ve been more hurt.” Lena sips her coffee, words careful, unwilling to hurt Kara after how she’d seen the woman last night.

“In that moment, I think you were just sad.” Lena has what Kara can only describe as a sad smile on her face. “I don’t want you to be sad, Kara.”

“Lena,” Kara sighs out her name. “Lena, I need you to think about you right now. I was sad, I can’t help but have those moments. Truth be told, things haven’t been easy lately, but I want,” Kara shakes her head, “ _need_ to know if you’re okay, with all of it. I don’t want you to think I held any of it back to keep you in the dark.”

“Then why did you?”

“I’ve never told anyone before.”

“What do you mean?” Lena’s response is immediate, surely James or Winn know.

“I mean I’ve never had the chance to tell anyone as Supergirl, as National City’s hero. I told Winn and James because I needed help becoming her, her suit and running around CatCo, before I was the hero that everyone sees now. Alex knew because I came into her life and she _had_ to accept me. I’ve never had a chance to tell anyone on my own. I didn’t even really tell you about Supergirl, just about Rao and Krypton.”

“I was never supposed to tell anyone. I wasn’t even supposed to become Supergirl. I was supposed to be human, to fly under the radar.” Kara shrugs, facing National City’s landscape and grabbing the railing of the balcony, eyes away from Lena. If she looks, she might break, and there are things she wants to say.

“Alex’s plane was supposed to crash so I went and I had to save her. The only person I’ve chosen to tell since all of this started is _you._ ” Her voice cracks without her permission. _Rao,_ why does she always cry in front of Lena.

“Rao, I really did want you to say what you were feeling, not just pour this all onto you.” Kara wipes furiously at her eyes.

“Kara, darling, we have time, it doesn’t all need to come out at once.” Lena grasps her hand, intertwines their fingers again. Physical touch seems to help Kara.

“Can you just talk? Tell me what you’re thinking, then?” Kara asks, squeezing Lena’s fingers gently, careful to control herself.

“Of course,” before Lena begins speaking again she tugs the blonde back into her apartment. She grabs the large pillows on her sofa and throws them by her bookshelf. “Lay down, you can use the pillow.” Kara does as she’s told, without question, plopping her body down on the soft rug that lays right underneath the rows and rows of books. Maybe Lena does this often.

“This feels safe to me, laying here next to these shelves, Lionel had one in his study, a rug just like this and I’d lay there reading to escape. My therapist likes to say things about safe spaces so...” she smiles at Kara, head beside her.

“I want you to feel safe.” Kara states.

Lena only shuts her eyes in response, the sun shining through the windows and onto their faces.

“I was startled. When you told me, I was startled.” Kara focuses on her heartbeat again, steady and strong beside her. “Maybe somewhere in the back of my head I made the connection, but I never expected to hear you talk about Krypton. And later, when you left, I was hurt. I think I was hurt that it took so long to tell me, and maybe I also blame myself. Maybe I wasn’t worthy enough earlier on, or maybe it was because of who my family was.”

“Lena, no.” Kara interrupts, but Lena holds her hand back up, reaches back for Kara’s and holds it.

“It’s okay, really. Kara...” It’s so heavy, so necessary. Lena hates that they’ve spent more time together being so serious than they have laughed in weeks. She hopes that they can find their way back to that.

“Kara, I can’t imagine what you’ve endured. My anxiety, my fears, they don’t feel like they can even compare. And to be honest, the time afterward helped. I’m glad you told me, the way you told me because I want to be there for you when you’re sad and can’t escape it.” _Like you are for me,_ is left unsaid. She rolls onto her side so that she can look at Kara’s profile.

“Lee, it’s not a comparison, you’ve been through so much too. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t have these emotions or feelings because mine are more important because _they’re not_ . I want to be there for you too. Your feelings are _always_ valid with me.”

Lena feels her whole body tense at Kara’s words.

“I don’t think I know how to...feel all of that anymore.” It’s so quiet that Kara has to focus to really hear Lena, she shifts onto her side as well.

Lena continues, “I think something closed off when Lex was arrested and then all the Cadmus stuff. It’s easier to put everything else first, LCorp’s transition, moving to National City, it’s easier when it’s technical and scheduled.” She demands the 12 hours days of herself, only easing up as Kara’s visits to her office and invites to her movie nights became routine.

“I can understand that. I think for a long time I couldn’t feel either.” Kara thinks about the first time she put on the Supergirl colors, how she could carry such a facade of confidence and strength with the House of El crest on her chest. She doesn’t feel strong now, she feels like she’s cracking under the pressure.

If she was honest with herself, she’s like she’s been breaking apart since her infection of Red Kryptonite. All those awful thoughts brought to the surface.

“I think maybe we’re both bad at feeling, lately.”

Their words fill up the room, Lena’s thumb rubbing soothing circles into Kara’s hand. “Maybe we could try to feel more together.” Kara offers, tries bringing a smile to her lips.

Lena can only nod in response. What she doesn’t say is that the only time she can feel much is when Kara is there, steady, beside her. She doesn’t say, I think I love you. She doesn’t say, you’re my best and only friend. She doesn’t say, I want to know all of you.

She doesn’t think either of them can handle that right now. Doesn’t think her safe space on this rug would hold the moment.  
  
Lena is fierce, she is resilient, she understands what falling in love is. She, despite what others may think, has fallen in love before. She knows that what little she does feel, she feels for the superhero beside her.

She doesn’t fear loving Kara, but she fears for Kara. She fears that her love will always be too selfish for a selfless person like Kara, a girl who dons a cape and flies out to save the city every day.

She has a fear that settles deep in her that she will be the one who ruins Supergirl. Maybe a Luthor and a Super could fall in love, but what if Lena ruins Kara in a way that Lex Luthor could never ruin Clark Kent. It’s this fear that holds her back, words on her tongue, as she gazes at Kara. She doesn’t want to be another Luthor gone mad over a Super.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this has been relatively heavy, but I want to get through the Jack stuff before things get fluffy. I love my fluff, that will happen as Kara and Lena heal and learn to trust their feelings.
> 
> Comments appreciated.


	4. and I know we’ll both move on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack comes and goes, Kara and Lena go away.

When Lena comes into her apartment, hair down, lips painted beautifully red, Kara is relieved to have something other than her failed baking attempts to focus on. Being unemployed isn’t _fun_ because outside of Supergirl duties she needs other stimulation to keep her mind from wandering.

What she doesn’t expect is Lena bringing up _Jack_ , Jack Spheer.

She remembers the first time Lena mentioned him, talking about Boston and Cambridge and she learns now that they had a start-up together for five years and were together for two. Kara plays off her anxiety about Lena’s past love as cool interest and Lena says that _“Jack’s my kryptonite.”_

Kara’s pushes down the hurt and goes with Lena, the situation made worth it as Lena calls her her _favorite._

 

* * *

 

Jack Spheer is not human anymore.

Kara doesn’t know how to tell Lena this, as Lena is clearly charmed by his recent accomplishments and his request for forgiveness. Kara spends her time flying between the DEO and her own apartment, trying to piece together the link between Spherical Industries and their nanobots.

She avoids Lena, outside of that one dinner she interrupted, awkwardly, stilted and resisting the urge to wrap an arm around Lena and scream at Jack that  _if he hurts her again he’ll regret it._

Ultimately, she comes to Lena when she’s sure, sure that the biomax is hurting people and that Jack is somehow apart of it. She makes Lena promise she won’t go near him because he’s dangerous.

But Lena, stubborn, bull-headed Lena does what she wants and does it anyway. Kara keeps an ear out and she’s there, swooping Lena out of the way before Lena can even flinch at Jack’s coming stride.

Then Lena has to make a choice, between keeping the nanobots and Jack alive, or killing them and saving Kara.

When she chooses, Kara is there, two feet away from her watching as Lena sobs over Jack’s body. Kara watches, unable to bring a comforting hand to Lena’s shoulder, unable to provide any warmth.

She stands frozen as Lena cries and cries and cries, exhausts herself until the DEO shows up to collect his body, to take their statements. Kara only touches her after they’re all done after Alex and Maggie have ok’d them to go.

She gently holds Lena, who continues to dry heave into her shoulder, she grabs her by the waist and slowly, slowly, slowly, lifts them both up into the midnight sky and flies Lena home.

Lena doesn’t stop crying, sniffling, the entire way there. Lena doesn’t stop as Kara lays her down in bed. Lena doesn’t stop as Kara slips into bed beside her, holding her head against her shoulder.

Kara stays up the whole night, even when Lena’s cried herself to sleep, she listens to Lena’s heartbeat, steady and strong.

She kisses Lena’s forehead and whispers that things will be okay, that her heart is steady and strong, that she will be right here. She whispers it hoping the words slip into Lena's dreams.

 

* * *

 

Lena asks for some space then, as Kara deals with CatCo and the aftermath of Spherical industries tanking. She is at the DEO and NCPD often, making sure that Beth gets put in jail because ultimately it was Beth who toyed with Lena’s emotions, as if they were disposable and an ends to a means.

A few days go by before she makes her way to LCorp, passing Jess with a small smile and hands full of flowers. Jess can nods, soft knowing on her lips, buzzing Kara into the CEO’s door.

“Those are beautiful,” Lena says in lieu of a greeting. Her eyes still glassed over after the anxiety that had sit in her stomach throughout the day. She eyes the flowers thoughtfully now though, taking in the oranges and reds. She wonders if Kara knows that orange roses symbolize a great friendship, relationship, with red tips can sometimes meaning falling in love. It brings a small smile to her lips.

“I wish there was more I could do to help.”

“Oh, you came to see me, that’s more than enough.” Kara wants to say, _no, you deserve the world_. Instead, she offers the comfort of another kind, “Beth is in jail.”

“Good.” Kara sets her jacket down, taking a seat right beside Lena.

“How are you holding up?”

Lena talks about Lex, her mother, “that’s how I feel. Cold and calm. Until I think about Beth dying in jail, and then I feel warm for a minute.”  Kara observes Lena’s posture, tight against the back of the couch, neck strained, her throat long and lean as she speaks.

“You’re in shock, Lena.”

“I don’t know.” A pause. “Loss does strange things to my family, and I’ve lost a lot of people.”

“Well, you’re not gonna lose me.”

“I think when I feel things again, I’m gonna be very, very afraid. Of the person, I might be.” Kara feels her heart aching for Lena, feels her own chest constrict tightly at the way Lena’s face morphs into deep sadness.

She thinks back to their conversation a couple of weeks ago, as Lena and laid on Lena’s apartment floor, admitting their lack of ability to truly take in the moment, to feel, as trauma was something they both were all too familiar with.

She moves closer to Lena, wrapping her arm around her shoulder. Lena falls into the comfort, rests her head against Kara’s. She focuses on Kara beside her, who smells like roses and coffee, she tries to hold back her tears. “You don’t have to be afraid. I’m right here.”

Kara is here, right here.

“Promise?” Any other day, Lena would scold herself for how weak she sounds. She would hate how her voice cracked, how Kara’s grip tightened on her. Any other day, she’d hate herself for asking for a promise. She hasn’t asked for a promise since Lionel Luthor died.

“I will always be your friend.” She fights the urge to kiss Lena’s temple like Lena had done for her all those weeks ago. “And I will always protect you.” She does it anyways, kisses Lena’s temple gently, holds her close.

“I promise.”

 

* * *

 

Alex gets kidnapped and Rick Malverne, a man she only really knew back in Midvale, tries to drive a wedge between them. He tries to murder Alex.

The raven-haired woman has known Kara long enough as Supergirl now, to know when there is truly an emergency. Not something that just needs protecting, saving, not her nightly duties, but a true Earth shattering emergency.

She doesn’t know her way to the DEO, so instead, she keeps her balcony unlocked and food on the counter for Kara. She could hack her way into their systems, could probably turn the world upside down for Kara, but she recognizes when there are battles she’s supposed to fight and there are times when she’s supposed to support.

Kara calls her often, in the midst of Alex being missing, Alex being found, Alex almost drowning, and Lena feels for the Danver’s sisters. Imagines if the sense of urgency Kara felt to save Alex, was something that Lex was once capable of. _No_ , probably not.

Lena leaves her balcony open, leaves meals on the counter for when Kara inevitably stops in, leaves post-it notes to _be safe_ , _wake me if you need me_ , and  _don’t you dare sleep on the sofa._ Lena even finds Kara asleep on the rug beneath her bookshelf one morning, exhaustion clearly in her features.

The thing is, her attention is so split between Kara and Rhea and her own heartache at the death of Jack that when Rhea offers her a chance to do _good_ , she does it. She tries to take what she can at face value, lets herself get wrapped up in the feeling of goodness that only Kara had provided before.

But, when Kara shows up after Alex is safe, safe with Maggie and nearly collapses into Lena’s arms, Lena decides that the project can wait. Everything can wait.

“When was the last time you were home?” Lena gently asks, prying Kara’s head off her shoulder so that she could look into the stormy blue eyes of the Girl of Steel.

Kara only shrugs in response, Lena’s apartment has been home for the past few days. The meals, the post-it notes, the smell of Lena’s perfume and her heartbeat.

Lena is unimpressed with Kara, unimpressed at Kara’s ability to take care of herself, but she holds her closer nonetheless. She’s tired of this constant cycle that they’re in, tragedy after tragedy like a noose being tightened and un-tightened around their necks. She is exhausted.

“Do you have some days off?”

“What?” Kara tiredly replies, she doesn’t want to think.

“Do you have some days off? We can go to the beach or the mountains?” Kara thinks about it, detaching herself from Lena and running her fingers through her hair, eyes still red from the tears of relief of Alex being found, safe, whole, alive.

“Yeah, okay.” Lena doesn’t ask Kara to specify which one, she just takes it as okay. They’ll go.

 

* * *

 

The thing is, no one really knows that Kara has been seeing Lena. Outside of their professional relationship and their lunches, Alex, Winn, and James don’t know that Kara spends her nights talking to Lena. That they spend hours upon hours talking and baking and dancing together.

Kara isn’t sure why she keeps it to herself, but she does. These moments with Lena feel sacred as if outside knowledge would disrupt their bubble, shift the comfort. She knows that she has to take Lena in to get the NDAs signed, and all the other paperwork related to Supergirl and DEO knowledge, but she’d rather not spend her time with the CEO doing paperwork or subjecting the other woman to _more_ paperwork

So, when she walks into the DEO a few days later, she heads to J’onn, who’s standing next to Winn, hoping Alex isn’t back at work so soon after the incident with Rick Malverne. She manages to get J’onn to give her week of time to take a vacation, stating that he’ll cover the emergencies, but he warns her to tell Alex.

She only nods in confirmation and sends an email to Snapper cc’ing James saying she has to take a week off, use those two years of vacation she never took, and that she’ll be back by next Monday.

She’s flying to Alex’s before she loses the nerve.

When she arrives, she knows from the second heartbeat that she hears that Maggie is there with Alex. She slips through the window Alex always leaves unlocked and steps loudly to alert the two of her presence.

“Kara?” Maggie shouts from Alex’s bedroom. She blushes and hopes to _Rao_ that her sister isn’t naked.

Alex comes out, fully clothed, and hugs Kara.

“Hey, what’re you doing here?”

“I wanted to see if you were okay. Or are doing okay? Or if you needed anything?” Kara rubs the back of head, nervous habit when her glasses aren’t on. “I hope I’m not interrupting something, I just wanted to see you before I leave...” She trails off, realizing that’s probably not how she should have brought it up.

“Leaving? Where are you going?” She can hear Alex’s heart speed up, and Alex puts a knowing hand on Alex’s shoulder gently anchoring her. Maggie’s hand on Alex screams _it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re safe_. And Kara likens it to her feelings when Lena holds her.

“I’m going away for a week. Driving up to the mountains, a couple miles from here.”

“Driving? Why don’t you just fly?”

“Lena wants to drive.” Maggie’s eyebrow raises, a small smile on her lips. Alex, on the other hand, furrows her eyebrows and crosses her arms defensively.

“You’re going with Lena Luthor?” It’s accusatory, and Kara rolls her eyes. Huffing in defiance and crossing her arms as well, she feels 16 again in their home in Midvale, arguing about something Eliza told them to do.

“Yes, I’m going with Lena, my best friend, who you need to learn how to respect and accept.” Her tone is unwavering, daring Alex to push back.

“Kara, what if you’re needed here?” _What if I need you_ , Alex thinks.

“I spoke to J’onn, he’s going to cover and shapeshift into me so no one knows I’m gone.” Kara sighs, frustrating leaving her body, she can’t be mad at Alex, not after everything.

“Things will be okay, you’re going to be okay.” Kara says, engulfing Alex in a hug.

“I think we all just could use some time off and away.”

“Okay.” Alex resigns, seeing the look in Kara’s eye.

“You can call me, anytime. If you need me, I’ll be right back. It’ll take a minute to get back here from where we’re going.” Alex only nods.

“Be safe?” Kara hugs her again in confirmation.

 

* * *

 

Lena leaves the project with Rhea, stating that materials need to be built anyways and she can look into the software remotely if anything is wrong. Rhea puts up a fight, but ultimately, Lena doesn’t budge. She needs some time away, she wants to spend time with Kara.

LCorp is easier, the board finally trusts her and she knows Jess will alert her if anything she’d disapprove of is happening. She sends an email off to HR first, asking where Jess’ pay is at and what could be done to get her into more of a management position.

One week - one week away from chaos with little access to the news and time to meditate, to read, to breathe. She finds a smile ghosting her face. She’s never wanted a vacation like this, always working hard to move herself forward, to prove others wrong.

She sits on her sofa, awaiting Kara’s arrival. She had told the blonde that she could swing by and pick her up, but Kara insisted on getting her things together and flying over National City one last time before they left.

“Finally,” Lena says stretching out the word in faux annoyance. Kara rolls her eyes at the Luthor, already speeding off into Lena’s bathroom to change into her jeans and button down.

“Hush, you.” Kara says as she’s back in literally no time at all. She throws her duffel bag onto the floor of Lena’s apartment with a gentle thud. “Why did you want to drive at night again?”

Lena shrugs, “I just figured it would be less traffic.”

Kara nods, she picks her bag back up and grabs Lena’s too, sighing out how ‘heavy’ it was in comparison to her own.

“Rao, Lena, did you put an entire survival kit in here? Pack three weeks worth of clothes?” Kara mumbles as she leads them out the door. She hears Lena behind her, can practically hear the smile in her voice when she replies, “No, just some books, my laptop, a board game or two, just in case.”

“Dork.” Kara responds good-naturedly. Lena is a nerd, and she hides it behind her sharp business clothes. Kara adores it though, adores how much Lena loves to pretend she doesn’t know the entire periodic table by memory, doesn’t know what quantum mechanics are, doesn’t know every current engineering project happening in LCorps labs, projects she herself used to lead.

“Get your butt in the car before I leave you behind.” Lena teases back, knowing full well Kara could just fly there instead.

“You haven’t even told me where exactly we’re going.”

“A mountain.”

“Yes, you said that but Leeeeee.” Kara whines as they get into the black Tesla.

“You picked a mountain over the beach and I picked which and where on the mountain” Lena smiles, turning the music on in the car and efficiently tuning to a pop station, Kara begins singing along immediately.

 

* * *

 

Kara hums and sings and dances in her seat the entire three-hour ride there, not once complaining about her hunger. Thankfully, Lena had stopped at a grocery store far enough outside of National City and they had about 15 grocery bags to last them a week. Kara argues though because it’ll last them approximately three days before one of them has to go back out and get more.

When they finally pull up, it’s a modest looking cabin, a small driveway with the electricity port that the Tesla needs, and a green door.

Kara is ridiculously excited, she grabs their stuff and walks slowly, well slowly to her, behind Lena. Lena thinks Kara is as close to a puppy as she’ll ever get, entirely excitable and too much energy.

“Kara take a deep breath.” Lena says, hand on the door before opening it.

Kara exhales and blushes red when a bit of freeze breath comes out too. Lena can only laugh before pushing the door open. Kara’s eyes widen in surprise.

“Lena Luthor, what is this?” Kara throws her arms around widely, standing on the balls of her feet as she holds herself back from running everywhere.

The cabin looked modest from the outside, but the lush trees surrounding it had hidden the extension that carried it back into the landscape of the mountain. Truly, it was probably closer to two thousand square feet than the original five hundred that Kara guessed.

“Once, Lionel took me here. Lex and I came and we went hiking and fishing in the river. Lillian never came because she _hated_ anything that wasn’t high class. We only came once, but I remember it so vividly and it was left to me in the will.” Kara smiles, sets their bags down and reaches out to hold Lena’s hand, urging her on.

“I came back after college and I had it extended and built further back, God, I can’t wait to show you the back porch.” Lena smiles, so bright and wide that Kara thinks she’s glowing from it. _It’s everything_. She could stand right here and absorb the other woman’s happiness.

“Let’s go!” Kara giggles as Lena tugs her along, they tap on some lights as they go, and she doesn’t have time to admire how it’s decorated, the exposed stone in some of the walls, a bookshelf that’s made of a beautiful wood.

Lena pushes open a heavy door and as Kara steps through she can smell the trees around her, the weeds growing, the water. It’s a porch in the back is wide and long, winding around the back of the cabin’s expansion with stairs down to the ground. Lena huddles over a stone square, the middle filled with pebbles and she hums an “ah hah!” before Kara smells the gas and a small fire begins.

Kara goes to the railing on the porch and looks outwards, the trees, tall and proud standing against the horizon, but as Kara looks to her right, she can see the steady stream of water and the view of the mountain. The cabin, Kara hadn’t realized, sits high up and overlooks a gorgeous landscape. She sees the green and as she takes off her glasses, she’s able to see the details, it's _beautiful_. It’s serene.

“Is this why you let me get marshmallows?” Kara says, turning back around to look at Lena. She skips over and sits beside her, she doesn’t _need_ the warmth of the fire, but she does need to be close to the other woman.

“It’s why I also got chocolate and graham crackers for your inevitable need for sugary snacks.”

“You know me so well.” Kara laughs as she leans back into the outdoor seating and crosses her legs.

“Well, you are my favorite.” Lena winks and Kara just keeps laughing and as she looks up, she quiets at the stars so clearly above them.

As they settle into the night, Kara doesn’t use the second or third bedroom in the cabin. Instead, she sleeps next to Lena, whose bedroom has a skylight, and Kara gazes upwards counting each star.

She promises herself she won’t second guess her emotions, won’t suppress her feelings this week. She promises herself she’ll feel everything she possibly can for the woman asleep next to her.

She falls asleep thinking Lena would have loved Krypton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another update! Thank you for all the comments and kudos. I really appreciate the motivation - it helps me write faster.
> 
> Next chapter will be the rest of their week before everything goes to shit again with Rhea. 
> 
> Comments and feedback appreciated as always!


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